Melania documents Melania Trump’s last 20 days leading up to Donald Trump’s second inauguration. I feel deep anguish that this groundbreaking film is not being shown in Santa Cruz. I had to go to the Cinemax in the All-American city of Roseville, California, to witness this game-changer of a documentary.
Thank God, Amazon spent $35 million promoting the film, because that let me sit in the Roseville Cinemax with 40 of Melania’s ardent followers, all moaning with envy as the former skin model floated airlessly through gold-plated, empty halls. They chuckled along with Donald Trump every time he reminded us again and again that he was making America great again. The tiny gray heads in front of me would nod along with every sentence. I spoke with them after the film; it was like they had just fulfilled their pilgrimage to the Messiah.
“We just had to come.”
“We do love her. She is so classy.”
“It helped take the taste of those Bidens out of my mouth. Ugh.”
They were all glad they came, though none would come see it again. The movie did feel like a loyalty test, at the halfway point of this one-hour and 48-minute film, the only engaging character I could see was the exit sign.
I felt like I was trapped in Saks Fifth Avenue after closing time, everything polished, nothing alive, no feelings except for a pounding dread that I wasn’t supposed to be there. The film is dull, a cinematic sedative wrapped in silk. Melania Trump narrates the film and it feels like being trapped in an elevator with someone who refuses to let anyone press a button.
The tailoring of Melania
Melania Trump said at the film’s premiere at the Trump Kennedy Center in Washington, D.C. that Melania is not a documentary, but “a creative experience that offers perspectives, insights and moments.” If the vagueness bothers you, get used to it if you want to make it through. For nearly one-third of the film, she is repeatedly praised by her handlers (tailors) for her deep knowledge of how her clothes must fit, noting with awe, “She was a model!”
Clothes are fitted. Clothes are disciplined, “More tension, tighter!” Ultimately, clothes are the only things that feel alive. A coat must skim closer to the hips. A hat brim is scolded for being “a little bit wiggly-woggly.” The First Lady does reveal that she is steadfast in making fabric obey her authority. At its highest level, the movie is a study of control replacing curiosity.
Trump expresses her gratitude for the opportunity she was given as an immigrant. The First Lady immigrated the correct way, by sleeping with a privileged, married, white man and then marrying this well-known philanderer. As they say, “Immigrants do the jobs no American would do.”
Laundering in Public
The film was produced and distributed for a reported $75 million, underwritten by Amazon, in perhaps the most public bribe to the president yet. The $75 million is as metaphorically perfect as the First Lady’s pants, because two days before its theatrical release, Amazon fired 16,000 workers.
My hopes rose that something of substance might occur when Melania is called upon to attend the funeral of former President Jimmy Carter. We do get to see the flag-draped casket, but Melania says absolutely nothing about the former peanut farmer.
She speaks of her own mother’s death in a voice devoid of grief. One scene in the movie rings true; it shows her taking a phone call from Donald where he asks her if she watched his great political victory.
She said, “I did not. Yeah.” He brags about the unprecedented size of his “historic” victory, and she responds with a polite, distracted, “Great, well done.” She speaks in the tone you would use to end a cold call without being rude.
Please don’t ask if the golden egg is edible
We are repeatedly told that Melania is in charge of everything related to inauguration festivities, even the food. Her management of anything is never shown, except at one ball where she introduces the appetizer, a golden egg in an eggcup. We don’t know if the egg is to be eaten, or even if it is food; it’s the goldness of the egg that’s important.
The camera lingers on the golden egg and feels like the ominous moment of reveal in a horror movie. It’s the perfect Trump appetizer, something to look at while people starve. “Let them eat cake” just got a golden reboot. Donald said at the premiere, “Glamorous, very glamorous. We need some glamour.”
The film also performs a valuable public service by clearing the air around the President. We see him pledge his loyalty to upholding the U.S. Constitution as he takes the oath of office, which is reassuring after that unfortunate 2022 moment when he suggested terminating parts of it.
Melania reportedly received $28 million for Melania from Amazon, which is widely regulated by the federal government in terms of privacy by the FTC (Ring, Alexa, consumer protection, antitrust), unionization (NLRB/OSHA), and in our post-curiosity world, we’re no longer even outraged by this bribe. But Melania does offer a lesson in fascist-capitalist aesthetics: if you polish the surface long enough, maybe no one will ask what’s underneath.
In the end, Melania is not only not the greatest documentary of our century; it is proof that emptiness, when well-framed and well-financed, can feel like destiny. And if Santa Cruz can’t see that, well, perhaps we just aren’t ready to be made great again.
