Neuroscience research shows that humans are wired to connect.
Even introverts. Even antisocials. Even the Reddit user “misanthropy,” who admits in a post, “I crave social interaction but I also hate people.”
There’s this idea that a basic need for connection is rooted in our brains and bodies. And one of every two American adults are deficient. In May 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General issued a report citing that half of us are lonely. Some call it an epidemic, and a greater detriment to our health than smoking, obesity and high blood pressure.
The disconnect is ironic, in a world where we’ve never been more connected.
Single for a bit over a year after a monogamous 20-year relationship and curious about the local dating scene, I did some searching online.
“Redwineandcoastlines,” a 30-something-year-old woman in Santa Cruz, shared her sentiment in a Reddit thread titled “Dating in this town.” She writes, “I’m 31 and have officially sworn off dating apps! They do not feel natural, have never been successful for me, and force me to be on my phone much more than I’d like to be. I feel most, if not all of them, have created what we know as the toxic dating landscape.”
Her perspective is supported by the documentary Swiped: Hooking Up in the Digital Age, which followed Santa Cruzans Vin, Claudia, Cam, Skylar and a handful of unnamed others using apps to meet up and hook up. The credits rolled, and I stared at the screen. There had to be a way to meet a group of singles in the flesh. 3D. Real life.
My search eventually unearthed Tantra Speed Date—Santa Cruz, promising an evening of “connections through fun, chemistry-building games” like “engaging dialogue, light partner yoga, movement, dance, heartwarming eye-gazing, and even some gentle hand-holding. A delightful mix beyond the mundane ‘what’s your job’ chatter.”
There was an open invitation to participate in the activities we wanted to, and pass on the ones we didn’t. Ladies would initiate connections and gentlemen had the choice to pursue, following the experience.
I decided to accept.
No Screens to Hide Behind
“Wait. Is this sexual? I’m so confused.”
This was my sister’s text, verbatim, when I initially told her what I signed up for.
“One of the biggest myths or misconceptions about tantra, especially here in the West, is that it’s all about sex,” says certified tantra educator Deborah Kat, who facilitates the events in Santa Cruz and around the Bay Area.
“It’s unfortunately a very narrow view of what’s possible in tantra,” she explains. “For me, tantra is spiritual, where we’re living from a place of being deeply connected to ourselves, to spirit, to the earth. Tantra is a personal practice before it’s ever a practice with others.”
I’m sitting across from Kat at a coffee shop, weeks after my Tantra Speed Date session, which ultimately led to a drink with a guy, dinner with a gal, and a realization that I’m not relationship ready. I’m just getting to know myself.
Having practiced tantra for 20 years, been with her partner for 24 years, and helped thousands find more pleasure in sex and relationships, Kat seemed to understand why I felt blocked.
“We’re not talking about easy stuff when it comes to connecting with others, and this is where personal practice comes into play, to work through disappointment, heart opening, reflecting,” she says. “It all starts in connecting with ourselves.”
And that’s exactly where we began the speed date, with Kat guiding us to arrive, ground into our bodies, and set intentions before making the rounds to connect one-on-one.
Though the event largely attracts heterosexual folks, Kat stresses that all gender identities and sexual orientations are welcome. Speed daters are split so that people attracted to women, females, or femininity make up an outer circle while those attracted to men, males, or masculinity form an inner circle.
The minute-long stations could be grouped into two categories: conversational and energetic. While some had us speaking our desires out loud or voicing positive affirmations for the person across from us, others had us engaging through breathwork sitting back-to-back or mirroring the moves of our partner face-to-face.
I asked what her favorite station was.
“It’s funny the first thing that popped into my head, which surprises me, is the vulnerability station,” she answers.
One of the last, this is where in back-and-forth fashion, each finishes the sentence, “If you knew me, you’d know that…” until time is up and you have a deeper awareness of the person in front of you.
“I truly believe that the things we hide are the things that hold our freedom,” Kat says. “I’ve found that when we reveal them, they hold less power over us.”
Practice and Possibilities
“The dating apps are terrible,” Kat lets out before a very quick follow-up. “I mean, I’d like them to be better. I’d like them to be a conversation opener.”
But in her experience with clients she coaches, Kat surmises that app users often log on to shop and swipe around, without much effort, energy or enthusiasm. And this leaves a lot of room for superficial chats that never lead to meeting in person. It’s so easy to just disappear.
She validates that it’s tempting to be dismissive of the apps, which in turn leads us to be dismissive of people on them. What happens next is a frustration-filled, blanket assumption that there aren’t any good single people out there.
When there are. And Kat sees them at these events.
“Tantra speed daters are already showing up intentionally,” Kat says. “They’re actually going somewhere to meet equally intentioned people, which increases the odds of having some sort of post-event experience. I know what’s possible in connection, in relationship, and I want more people to have that.”
“Tantra Speed Date helps to open up what’s possible,” Kat confirms. “And hopefully you’re learning some relationship skills along the way. Every station can offer a lesson or an awareness or a practice that can be applied to our daily lives.”
I asked Kat if she could wave a tantra wand and make dating in Santa Cruz more magical, what would that look like?
“Oh, the ‘poof’ would be more structured, in-person events for singles, where we get together and, you know, see what’s possible.”
Kat will host one more Tantra Speed Date session on Aug. 3 at Green Magic Yoga before summer ends and the local speed dates pause until December. To reserve a spot, visit tantrany.com/speed-dating/santa-cruz. And to learn more about working with Kat, visit deborahkat.com.
